Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Ultimate Jedi meet the Anonymous Sibs

Setting: Late afternoon, the living room. Anonymous Youngest Child and Anonymous Little Sister are in front of the computer comparing the two Jedi of Lucas' latest attempt at a movie.

Anonymous Little Sister: Obi-Wan is better because he basically cuts off Anakins legs, one arm, basically his face, and he set him like, on fire.

Anonymous Youngest Child: Yeah, but Anakin is the one who like, killed Obi-Wan in the first place. (editors note: Youngest Child has only seen Episodes 1&2. But if you go by the release dates, Anakin did kill Obi Wan before Obi Wan maimed him, I guess.)

Anonymous Little Sister: Yeah but that's only because he was like mostly robot. I mean, it wasn't even really him he was so robot.

Anonymous Youngest Child: But he can do the choking thing and kill everyone.

Anonymous Little Sister: Well, I wouldn't like to be choked to death like that.

Peace for Despair

She sits at the window;
she hurts from the day.
she screams out to no one,
she cries to the same.
she falls from the sunshine,
she breaks her shattered heart.
she gasps at the splinters and
she tries to gather them up.
she drops the sharp pieces
she spills them on the floor
she yells out at everyone
she hates her broken heart.
she despairs...oh, she despairs.

It's not the greatest in the world, but it's a start. I think it might eventually be a song, believe it or not. The song isn't about me, either. I don't know who it's about.




Lately I've been going to bed and feeling useless. Then I wake up and feel useless. Through every waking moment I feel a hole in my middle, right above my bellybutton and about the size of my fist. It's a clean hole right through me, and at night I become aware that there is cold air blowing through me. I have a missing piece.

Am I valuable? Am I worth the oxygen I breathe? Am I doing my part? For so long, my life has been about bettering myself. Sure, I like to please people. But more so, I have an incredible drive to please myself. If I'm not up to my personal expectations, I quit. They call it perfectionism, apparently. I call it torture. Who regularly guilt-trips themselves? I do. There is nothing good about it. (Well, the 4.0 is a plus...) So every night I go to sleep feelinginadequatee. I'm almost 20 and I often feel that I have little to show for it. Half the time I go to sleep wondering if I've failed myself.

Then there is God. For the past year I've been trying to do better with God and instead my relationship with him has slipped into atrophy. My prayers are hollow, my bible reading is stagnant, and worshipping has become incredibly difficult. I've started hating having a quiet time because I can't meet any expectations (my own) with my regularity. Church is in Thai, for the most part. I can count the number of sermons I've understood in the last six months on one hand. (Not that I'm complaining. A sermon is the worst possible way of communicating information into my head. I'm a discuss and process person--but I haven't had that either.)

Don't worry. I'm not barfing onto my blog. It gets better. ; )

So I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't feel better. But my heart was opened. I used to be a very introspective person and I stopped because it hurt too much to think about myself. I'd forgotten how to do that, and instead I was only aware that something was wrong. And the crying opened my heart. My heart hurt, I realized. That is howcallousedd I was. My soul hurt and I didn't even know it.

What do you do when God isn't giving you peace and you can't figure out how to "give your burdens to Jesus?" I've struggled with that for years. So many Christians say it, and I never could figure out how. When I asked how, they would say things like, "just lay it down at his feet" or "ask him to take it away." Sorry, folks. No dice. It wasn't working. I didn't get it.

My dad is amazing. There is no denying that. I have received better advice from him than anyone else in the world. I think because he's been either a pastor, worship leader, or missionary in the past 25 years and he's been my daddy for close to 20.

I explained to my mom everything I just explained here, and she said some good things. I need to not beat myself up so much for one. Check. I'll try. But she had no answer for the "burden" thing and how far away from Jesus I feel. That's when my Daddy yelled from the computer,

"You just have to be grateful, Annie."

That's it. I can do that. I can be thankful for my Jesus. I can be thankful for everything I can do and for everyone I can be with. I can be thankful for happy things, for sad things, for big things, for little things.

I talked to Jesus last night as I went to sleep and told him five things that I am very grateful for.

I didn't feel empty.

I was made to praise Jesus. Then the heavyness slips away and the holes are filled with love.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

The Anonymous Family and the Video Store

Anonymous Mother: Oh, we need to take The Polar Express back!

Anonymous Youngest Child: (turns whine up to full blast) Awwww, maaaaan, I only watched it once!

Anonymous Mother: Youngest Child! Don't complain about that. Be happy you got to watch it!

Anonymous Middle Sister: (with 'duh' written all over her voice) Yeah Youngest Child, some kids don't even have movies. Like in deepest darkest Africa.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Pie, Potter, People...

Ahhh. I hate pie crusts. I am the Queen of Piecrusts, you see. I can roll and shape a perfect crust every time. It is where the oven comes in that I get angry. Stupid oven. I put it in all pretty and when it comes out...it looks sloppy. Still a pie crust, still tasty, and not even bad-looking. But it is no longer perfect. Thus, I loathe the oven. It destroys my perfect pie crusts. Die.

I saw Harry today and I liked it. Then I came home and we've rented Herbie. For some reason I thought that was funny.

In other news, Ben might have to miss Thanksgiving because there are no substitutes that night to teach his english class, and Thai people don't celebrate that holiday. Apparently the pilgrims never landed in Asia. Weird, huh? (yeah, sorry...that was a little sarcasm...I'm on the crabby side today. I have a toothache.)

Hmm...there is a lot of american food in the house...um...I think that's it for now. Yuppers.

Friday, November 18, 2005

happy happy joy joy

I love today!

I have finally figured the Secret to a Happy Anna: give her about 9 hrs of sleep at night. 10 is too much and 8 is not enough. I was always told that 8 was enough for a happy, healthy grown-up style person (and when in school, 6) but I think I seriously need 9. So I've been testing my theory this week--and I am 95% sure that my general attitude of cheer comes from enough sleep. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Now if I can keep that up when in school...
This week was pretty good, as weeks go. I spent all day yesterday at the health club with Jaimie and Sam. That sounds so glamourous. Haha. We did school, table tennis, school, tried badminton, then ran, school, then swam for an hour. The kids were hyper, but by the end, I was exhausted. I'm out of shape...ugh. I hate that feeling. After dancing six times a week for two years, being out of shape feels gross. Not that I'm fat (actually, I've lost weight and look older because my cheeks are thin. heehee) but I have no stamina and I've lost my splits. ughughugh. What will I do after having a kid? I have no clue...

The kids are watching Robin Hood starring Errol Flynn. If you don't know who that is, I'm sorry. Hint though--Bob Anderson, swordfight choreographer extraordinare (Star Wars, Princess Bride, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Carribean, Legend of Zorro, even the fencing duel in the Parent Trap...bascially any good swordfight in modernish cinema) was his stunt double in a few movies. There is some good swordfighting in this movie. I am so taking up fencing.

Okay, I'm supposed to meet Ben at Siam in under an hour, and I'm in my pajamas. *giggle*

Love today!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Oh God...I live in Asia

Somedays I walk out of my house and I can't help but think, "Oh my God. I live in Asia."*

Yes, that really is an old lady in flip-flops buying veggies off the back of a pick-up, then shuffling down the puddly street, back bent from carrying the kilos of food so that she cannot see the bright pink flowers dangling just over her bowed head.

Yes, that taxi really is pink. Hot pink. Barbie-style pink. Too bad it's also busy because now I have to wait a whole thirty seconds for the next one, which is red and white.

Yes, that really is squid frying on that sidewalk grill, roasting on sticks next to octopus. And yes, I can buy it for 5 baht. (10¢)**

Yes, there is only one other non-thai on the skytrain car and he is scaring me. His sunglasses don't fit and his white polo is stained and he gets off after one stop.

Yes, they are playing christmas music at the Asok skytrain station; What Child is This? actually. It sounds weird, but I have no clue why.

Yes, that is a beggar sitting next to the stairs with an empty cup o'noodles container*** stretched out for any satang that might come his way. And yes, he really is missing a hand. And the lower half of his leg.

Yes, that fruit hawker is sleeping under the station, leaning on a concrete pole, head drooping to her chest with her straw hat threatening to slip off into the traffic.

Yes, those tangled black lines suspended in a thick web about 5 m off the ground actually have a current running through them, supplying power and TV to the nearby houses and rang sewen.****

Yes, that motorcycle nearly nailed me. So did that cab. So did that car. So did that cab. So did that cop. And yes, there is a 'cross at your own risk' unwritten policy in this city.

Yes, that department store is decked out in pink and white shiny tinsel Christmas decorations and it's lit up too, but somehow, it's not cheery.

Yes, that is McDonald's...my destination. Because no matter how much the world has globalized and westernized, living in Asia is not like living in America. Sometimes you just have to have a few fries.

The Footnotes...
*yes, I said oh my God. But I don't think that is taking God's name for granted. I seriously meant it. "Oh God, I live in Asia."

**check out the calculator on Google.com. Just go to the main site, type in the conversion, and it'll convert anything from money to liquid, and do math problems too. It is the best when living in a metric country. (try 40 baht to USD)

***This is the container of choice for beggars here. I will never look at them the same again.

****wow, fourth. This is what the Thai's call 7-11. They're everywhere-imagine twice as many Starbucks in Naperville and that would be almost how many sevens. There is one every five minutes, walking speed, anywhere you go.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Bar Hopping: Outreach Style

I went to go-go bar hopping tonight.

Yup. Me. I'm a female 19-year-old white American college student, and I frequent Bangkok's red-light districts. It's okay though. I go with my parents.Today though, I went with a new American couple. They've been here three weeks, but the husband, Ron, was in Chiang Mai (northern city) for four years a long time ago, so his Thai is great. And then there was Men-ee, a middle-aged Thai women who is adorable. No joke. Even the bar girls kept telling her she was cute. We hit Nana Plaza, which is like an outdoor mall that sells women. It's rather gross...and we just made rounds on the bottom floor. It was a little crowded tonight.

We found a few women that are regular at the english class I teach, and a few not so regular ones. I harped on 'em for not showing up (in thai) and they laughed. Been busy, they say. They always say how busy they are. We stopped at another bar and Men-ee prayed for a woman that dad and I have prayed with before. She's an older bartender, and she has something wrong with her stomach. A miracle would be cool. : )

Next we walked down to Soi 1 Plaza, which is a quieter building with about ten small bars and no go-go dancing. We have a lot of friends at one of these bars, and the Mamasan of another bar likes us a lot. Today she told Ben that if he ever needed to go to the hospital, she'd take him. He was so perplexed by the randomness of that he asked her to repeat it three or four times, in case his Thai was messed up. But that was what she meant, so I guess now he knows where to go...

I talked to a quiet girl, and I'll call her Noi here. She's been in Bangkok for almost 3 weeks, and working at the bar from day one. She has two boys who live with her mom about 10 hours away. She misses them like crazy, calls them every day, hates her job, hates Bangkok.Bingo. She's got "help me get out of here" written all over her.

I turned to Men-ee. "Do you know Noi yet?" I asked her. She replied that she did not, and I introduced them. Men-ee turned around and talked to her for twenty minutes. I think she shared the gospel, or part of it...it was hard to follow with the dance music blaring at us from all sides. Anyway, Noi wants to come visit the Well (our exit program) sometime in the next two weeks. I'm really praying that I will be able to directly help one bar girl leave before I come home in two months, and Noi might be the one. (I think I've indirectly helped about seven, maybe eight. How is that for cool?) Please pray for her! There are a few others at the same bar that I've been friends with for months. Pray for that whole bar, please!

Okay, I'm sleepy. Speaking in Thai for three hours (or trying to speak...) will do that to you. No, I won't come back fluent. But I definitely have a firm grasp. That's right, people. Anna can speak Thai!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Genesis 1:3-5

...and God said,
"Let there be light,"
and there was light.

God saw that
the light was
good,
and he separated the light from the darkness.
God called the light
"day" and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning
the first day



He's pretty cool like that, isn't He?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Anonymous Younger Sister's Science Lessons

Setting: I lounge on my parents' bed, waiting for the Anonymous Kidlets to come upstairs and start school. The schoolroom is my parents' room, you see. The sun pours through the curtains, the air con is on, and Anonymous Younger Sister comes bouncing through the door.

Anonymous Older Sister: Goodmorning, boing boing! (this seemed appropriate, as Anonymous Younger Sister had lept onto the bed with a grin brighter than the sunshine.)

Anonymous Younget Sister: Hello, maggot! (gleeful laughter)

Anonymous Older Sister: Excuse me??? (the sunshine stopped being so bright. The birds stopped singing and the happy twinkly music was no more. Um, okay, that was over the top...)

Anonymous Younger Sister: (giggles) Maggot! I learned it in science yesterday. It's fly larvae! A baby fly! (gleeful laughter)

Anonymous Youngest Child enters the room.

Anonyomous Younger Sister: Hello maggot! (They both go into spasmatic laughing attacks.)

Anonymous Older Sister falls backward onto the pillows, wondering why our society chooses to educate small children, anyway.